Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Unwanted Visitors

My mind and my spirit are battling as of late. And I don’t know which one is going to win. Well, I take that back. I DO know which one will win. I just don’t know how long it will take.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been down lately. Not dangerous down or woe-is-me down. Just down-in-the-dumps down. To look at me or talk to me, you probably wouldn’t know it. But that’s because I’m a pretty good liar. Usually I can shake these feelings in a day, and if that doesn’t work, there’s always ice cream.

Nothing is wrong at home. No one is hurt. Mr. Right and I are as close as can be. I’m not disappointed about the house not selling. (In fact, I’ve had such peace about that, it’s almost frightening.) Mr. Right’s job is secure, and he likes it. Even the basement situation is something to do, not something with which to deal. I see God’s hand/blessings/protections everyday. Everyone is healthy and well, plus the kids are coming home in a couple of days. I’ve no reason at all to feel this way.

And yet I do.

Maybe I’m suffering from post partum… just 7 years late. Can you get the summertime blues, especially when you’ve just returned from the best vacation you’ve ever had? Why am I second guessing as to whether or not I am good enough? For what you ask? For anything. You call it and I’m second guessing it. Why am I feeling isolated and alone when I know I am not? This last question is the one that irks me the most. I know I’m well-liked, respected, accepted, loved. My mind knows it anyway, but my heart is having the hardest time remembering it.

Also, I’ve noticed that I’ve had a couple of unwanted visitors lately. Loneliness has become an unwelcomed guest in my heart, and I don’t know how to properly evict it and all its belongings. I didn't invite him. He just showed up of his own accord. And you know that Loneliness never comes unaccompanied; Depression is Loneliness’ traveling companion. Where Loneliness goes, Depression is sure to follow. And camp. And spread its ugly self all over the place. They take up residence with the intent to stay as long as possible, no matter the inconvenience or trouble they put on the host.

Try collecting all their junk when evicting either one of them and you’ll find that the task is much messier than imagined. I tried to ask them nicely to go away. They just smirked. Then I ordered with them to go. That just makes them smirk and shake their heads. I'm not begging. I have to draw the line somewhere.

Feelings like these confound me. I’m typically such an upbeat person. I know this about myself, but the last few days, Loneliness and Depression have been kicking my butt, not to mention messing up my surroundings. I’ve been fighting against those two yahoos to remain in good spirits. To be honest, I’m tired of it. And I want my two visitors to vacate the premises immediately. No more fighting, no more struggling. They just need to pack their things and leave.

So I’m doing what I should have done a few days ago. I’m asking for prayers from you. God tells us that he’ll fight for us. (Over and over again he tells us this fact.) But I could use some additional warriors on my side. Please pray that God would either quell this depression or that he would help me learn what I need to learn from it and put it to good use. Because I know that everything can be used for God’s glory.

Even this.

Because right now, it feels like there's not enough ice cream in the stores to cover this one.

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