Dear Sirs and Madams of any and all vehicles:
I would like to share my noted observations for several of you who "share" the road with me.
- While I may not pay as many taxes as you do, Mr. Hummer or Mrs. BMW, I still do pay them. Therefore, the road is mine as well as yours. Please cease and desist from acting as if you are the sole owner of the pavement.
- Mr. Explorer, when you bob and weave in traffic every morning, making dangerous lane switches and causing those behind you to slam on the brakes, you do not in fact get any further down the road than I do. On most mornings, I catch up to you at the lights. I just thought you should know that. It might help you to calm down and to realize that we all eventually get there in time.
- I'd like to give a Shout Out to every single driver that wouldn't allow me to switch lanes when I sat there with my blinker on behind a stalled vehicle, waiting for someone to slow down and show kindness rather than speed up. Those were a good three minutes, I'm telling you. You really were showing some driver love then. Thanks.
- Mrs. Morning Mascara Applier: Ummm, don't.
- Mr. Black-Smoke-Coming-Out-Of-My-Muffler: Please get your vehicle off the road and into a shop for repairs. It smells awful, the other drivers sometimes have a hard time seeing, and I know that you're not doing wonders for the environment. Please, please, please get that fixed.
- Mr. Caddy, I think everyone who is capable should be able to drive. However, if you cannot at least drive within 10 miles of the speed limit, would you please delay your driving time until after the bulk of rush hour is pass? You sweet thing, I, as well as your fellow commuters,really would appreciate making it to work on time. Thank you!
- Mr. Ride My Tush, since you can't seem to make a correlation of my reaction to your driving, let me just say for the record that when you ride closely to me trying to get me to hurry for your benefit, you bring out the ornery in me. Every. Single. Time you drive so closely to me, I will match the speed of the car next to me, even the speed of the aforementioned Mr. Caddy. The reaction on your face is worth this juvenile behavior on my part. (The funny thing is that I would totally make it so you could get by if you wouldn't follow so closely. I thought I would just let you know.)
- Mr. and Mrs. I-Must-Be-First, when there is a road that has two lanes and it merges into one, it is common courtesy to allow the drivers in the merging lane to be added to your lane. It is not illegal for the other drivers to be in that lane and those drivers are not out to get you. They just want to merge as the road indicates. Please stop speeding up and not allowing drivers to merge. It's nothing personal to you. I promise.
- To every single talking-on-the-cell-phone-while-driving driver, if you cannot do both safely, please either refrain from chatting or pull over to finish your discussion. I'm tired of having to practice my defensive driving skills around you all... and there are many! Oh and when you do use your cell, please understand that your hands are for driving, not for talking. Your caller can't see your gestures, in case you didn't know. You're welcome.
- BLINKER! Hello? Anyone? Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?
- Oh and on that note, just because you turn on your blinker, you do not have the right to move over immediately. You must look first, and if it is open, then you can switch lanes. By "open", I do not mean one car space; I mean ample room. The two blinks of your yellow tail light does not give me enough time to slow down nor does it give you the right to cause an accident. I'd like to remind you that you have a thing called a brake on your car. There will be times when you will need to use it. This would be one of them. Thank you.
- Mrs. I-don't-have-a-car-seat-for-my-child, please get one. You create more worry by trying to deal with your jumping toddler in the backseat. And I'm not only talking about the times that you swerve into my lane. I'm talking about safety here, for us and for your child.
- To all cigarette smokers: Your window is not a trash can. Please refrain from flicking your cigarette butts out the window, especially when they're still hot. Please use your ashtray and empty it later. If your car doesn't have an ashtray, please add one to your vehicle. Thank you.
- To Mrs. Sing Along: We're driving sisters, do you know that? I was right there with you with the "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" production we did in our cars. I was right there with you. See you on the stage tomorrow, same time, same station.
- To Miss-Change-Her-Clothes-At-The-Stoplight who sat in the car behind me: Dude! You have brought back some great high school memories for me! So that's what I looked like as I shimmied into my jeans... Thanks for waiting for the red light. I totally was hoping that it would be enough time for you, and it was. You were getting your last sneaker on as it was time to move our cars. Sweet! May you be blessed with many more ample moments should you find yourself needing to pull a Superman...
What would you tell other drivers if given a chance? I know I missed some stuff that probably needs to be said...